I don’t know if y’all are like me but I find myself doing anything to protect my peace lately! I found that in order to do this, I had to set some BOUNDARIES. Boundaries with myself, boundaries with my time, boundaries in my career, and especially boundaries with other people. Let me tell ya, there is NOTHING better than standing up for YOU.
I have to admit, I’m still working on this whole boundary thing but I’ve perfected a few tips on setting boundaries with others that are share worthy.
Be sure to let me know in the comments if you use any of the tips below!
Get Your Mind Right
DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. No, seriously it is the most important! Prepare yourself for push back, for anger, for defensiveness, for manipulation, etc, etc… Anyone who respects you won’t do these things but there is a reason you’re setting boundaries, right? That’s okay! Stay strong & don’t let up.
I cannot stress this enough. Be annoying. Talk too much. Beat the dead horse (figuratively, I love animals). I personally like to get things in writing because it is SO important to have something to refer back to. Share this with the other person and read it to them.
Example: Mom, I would like to talk to you about what I need in order to continue our relationship in a healthy way. I typed out some of my needs and I am going to email them to you. Let me know when you get it so I can go over them with you. I would appreciate it if you let me finish reading before saying anything so I can get out my full thoughts.
Have the OTHER person summarize your thoughts. Y’all this is a gamechanger and I’m not afraid to be my own hype woman on this one!! Hear me out- the message we are trying to communicate is not always perceived the way we intended. Instead of going in circles trying to tell them your point, have them tell you! Let them use their words and their language so if (when) you need to revisit these boundaries, you know for a fact they knew damn well what they were up to.
Example: Thanks again for listening! Can you tell me what you understood my boundaries to be?
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Lather, rinse, repeat? Nah- mindset, speak, debrief.
This exact process should also be used for consequences. I hate using that word but honestly, that’s what it is. A negative result of someone’s actions/inactions. Here’s how it looks:
Step 1: *I am doing this for my mental health, safety, well-being, family, etc.*
Step 2: If you saw in the email I sent you, I also listed some consequences if these boundaries are not respected. I would like to go over them with you and ask that you let me finish speaking before saying anything so I can get out my full thoughts.
Step 3: Thanks again for listening! I know I did a lot of talking. Can you tell me again what you understood the consequences to be?
Keeping boundaries are the hardest part, I suggest starting small so you are more likely to stay firm.
I will leave if you talk about ‘xyz.’
You will not be able to visit for a week if you continue to ‘xyz’.
I am going to hang up the phone because you did ‘xyz.’
There ya have it folks. Unfortunately the scenarios we make up in our head almost NEVER go as we plan them, but we can still control our end of the conversation!
Now go! Protect Your Peace ☮